Once upon a time in the sleepy (euphemism for boring) suburban town of Pearland, Texas, I had a neighbor named… ioncehadpartedhair (yep, that’s definitely his real name). He was the love of my life, except that–to put it vaguely–I’m not his type. Generally, girls aren’t his type. My heart? Broken. That’s right. But it’s okay; it’s not like I have issues because of it or anything. Pines for love.
ioncehadpartedhair is, without a doubt, a terrificly witty writer. David Sedaris rings a bell when I read his blog (I consider that a compliment). That said, this blog post of his so wonderfully compliments the last blog post of mine, that I couldn’t help but share it with the world.
Effective Ways to Annoy Me with Your [Facebook] Status
- Complaining about the weather: WTF. It’s weather. It’s not a new thing undergoing a rough trial period. It’s the weather. Why are you shocked that weather is happening?
- Boring updates: Why do I care if you are “at home” or “doing homework” or “going to bed?
- Drastic shifts from third-person to first-person: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson is having a great day and I thank our lord above =).”
- Leaving comments that ruin the melodrama of other people’s stati: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson can barely stand it.” Jimmy Wanger at 3:31pm: “whats wrong darlin? <3<3<3″ She would have told you, Jimmy, if she wanted to. She’s trying to be grave.
- Obscure references: “Jimmy Wanger is diggin the XPI 4.0 data catalyst for Cohen-Brown Ethernet 08!!!!!!!!!”
- Incomprehensible maxims: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson is never hang on, hang out, hang on. flowers. —gandhi”
- Sappy proclamations: “Albert Jonathan Edward Mueller is 2 DAYS until my man is out of juvie!!!! big kiss babe!!! luv ya lots *hugz*”
- Complaining about changes to FB: Does using Facebook to complain about Facebook not strike you as ironic? You should use a blog, as I do. Do as I do.