Real Celebs of Genius Presents: Avril Lavigne

Jeni O. Presents: Real Celebs of Genius
(Real Celebs of Genius!)

Avril Lavigne

Today we salute you. Ms. Avril Rock-Your-Face-Off Lavigne.
(Ms. Avril Rock-Your-Face-Off Lavigne!)
Wearing your classiest  black and white striped hoochie ensemble and terribly dyed hair, you’re living the real life rocker dream.
Getting paid to show up at events to do what no one else could do… drink yourself stupid and slutty
(Why you have to go and make things so complicated?!)
Sure it may hurt your career, alienate your young fans, ruin your “voice,” or demolish your marriage to that Sum 41 troll, but you chug alcohol from a bottle being held by a stranger with class and motherf*ckin’ grace.
(Grace motherf*ckuuhh)
But your keen instincts tell you to stick to activities that involve a lot of blacking out and rocking out. And if that doesn’t work, who cares? You’re a motherf*ckin princess.
(Rock on!)
So crack open a bottle of liquor, oh Lover of Sk8ter Boiz. ‘Cause we all know, you’re too cool to give a f*ck.
(Ms. Avril Rock-Your-Face-Off Lavigne!)

[Photo courtesy of The Blemish]

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Featured Blogger: “ioncehadpartedhair”

Once upon a time in the sleepy (euphemism for boring) suburban town of Pearland, Texas, I had a neighbor named… ioncehadpartedhair (yep, that’s definitely his real name). He was the love of my life, except that–to put it vaguely–I’m not his type. Generally, girls aren’t his type. My heart? Broken. That’s right. But it’s okay; it’s not like I have issues because of it or anything. Pines for love.

ioncehadpartedhair is, without a doubt, a terrificly witty writer. David Sedaris rings a bell when I read his blog (I consider that a compliment). That said, this blog post of his so wonderfully compliments the last blog post of mine, that I couldn’t help but share it with the world.

Effective Ways to Annoy Me with Your [Facebook] Status

By: ioncehadpartedhair

  1. Complaining about the weather: WTF. It’s weather. It’s not a new thing undergoing a rough trial period. It’s the weather. Why are you shocked that weather is happening?
  2. Boring updates: Why do I care if you are “at home” or “doing homework” or “going to bed?
  3. Drastic shifts from third-person to first-person: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson is having a great day and I thank our lord above =).”
  4. Leaving comments that ruin the melodrama of other people’s stati: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson can barely stand it.” Jimmy Wanger at 3:31pm: “whats wrong darlin? <3<3<3″ She would have told you, Jimmy, if she wanted to. She’s trying to be grave.
  5. Obscure references: “Jimmy Wanger is diggin the XPI 4.0 data catalyst for Cohen-Brown Ethernet 08!!!!!!!!!”
  6. Incomprehensible maxims: “Mary Blubberpots-Johnson is never hang on, hang out, hang on. flowers. —gandhi”
  7. Sappy proclamations: “Albert Jonathan Edward Mueller is 2 DAYS until my man is out of juvie!!!! big kiss babe!!! luv ya lots *hugz*”
  8. Complaining about changes to FB: Does using Facebook to complain about Facebook not strike you as ironic? You should use a blog, as I do. Do as I do.

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New Feature: Facebook TMIs

I’ve taken a few days to contemplate a few new features for you people, and I’ve got a good one–Facebook TMIs. I sort of stole this idea from Austin’s best morning show, The Bobby Bones Show, but who’s keeping track of this sort of thing?

For those of us trapped for hours on end in what I fondly refer to as the “inescapable social networking vacuum o’death,” I think it’s safe to say that ever so often, one will come across a Facebook status that is far, far too much information. In many ways, I don’t care who broke your heart, how this person broke your heart, what the size of anyone’s anything is, and so on and so forth. Therefore, I will begin featuring (anonymously, of course), real like statuses that I come across because–let’s face it–we can’t let these suckers go unnoticed.*

If you have any Facebook TMIs you’d like to submit, I’ll be more than happy to post ’em. E-mail me at jennifer.obenhaus@gmail.com.

And now, because we all care, here is the first of many Facebook TMIs to come…

Smells like rotten fish and not just my breath if you know what I mean.. xoxo

Because there’s nothing quite like… that… to attract men by the masses. Well played.

* I do solemnly swear to never make these up. I have far too many insane (Facebook) friends to not be able to scrounge up some crazy material.

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Emmy’s Shmemmy’s

So, I don’t watch a lot of TV, so this list of Emmy nominees for this year is pretty unexciting. Except, wait… yes! “Flight of the Conchords” made the list! So, that show, along with “House M.D.,” “Entourage,” “Family Guy,” and “The Office” ought to be the big winners of the night. ‘Nuff said. I’ve italicized those below that I think should win in each category. I have a few conflicts of interest, as you may note.

Best Drama Series:
“Damages”
“Dexter”
“House M.D.”
“Lost”
“Mad Men”
“Big Love”
“Breaking Bad”

Best Comedy Series:
“Entourage”
“Family Guy”
“The Office”

“30 Rock”
“How I Met Your Mother”
“Weeds”
“Flight of the Conchords”

Lead Actor in a Drama Series:
Simon Baker, “The Mentalist”
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Laurie, “House M.D.”
Gabriel Byrne, “In Treatment”

Lead Actress in a Drama Series:*
Glenn Close, “Damages”
Sally Field, “Brothers and Sisters”
Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: SVU”
Holly Hunter, “Saving Grace”
Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”

* I don’t care about this category whatsoever.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series:
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
Steve Carrell, “The Office”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
Tony Shalhoub, “Monk”
Charlie Sheen, “Two and a Half Men”
Jemaine Clement, “Flight of the Conchords”

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series:
Toni Collette, “United States of Tara”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “The New Adventures of Old Christine”
Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
Mary-Louise Parker, “Weeds”
Christina Applegate, “Samantha Who?”
Sarah Silverman, “The Sarah Silverman Program”

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series:
Kevin Dillon, “Entourage”
Neil Patrick Harris, “How I Met Your Mother”
Rainn Wilson, “The Office”
Tracy Morgan, “30 Rock”
Jack McBrayer, “30 Rock”
Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men”

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series:
William Shatner, “Boston Legal”
Christian Clemenson, “Boston Legal”
Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad”
William Hurt, “Damages”
Michael Emerson, “Lost”
John Slattery, “Mad Men”

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series:
Kristin Chenowith, “Pushing Daisies”
Amy Poehler, “Saturday Night Live”
Kristin Wig, “Saturday Night Live”
Jane Krakowski, “30 Rock”
Vanessa Williams, “Ugly Betty”
Elizabeth Perkins, “Weeds”

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series:
Rose Byrne, “Damages”
Sandra Oh, “Grey’s Anatomy”
Chandra Wilson, “Grey’s Anatomy”
Dianne Wiest, “In Treatment”
Hope Davis, “In Treatment”
Cherry Jones, “24″

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Charlie Brown: Endearing Cartoon Character or Ominous Serial Killer?

Remember how endearing Charlie Brown was? That little wisp of hair, that goofy yellow polo shirt, those little endearing eyes. Well, I came across this gem of a painting while clicking through Geekologie the other day.

Charlie Brown

ARRRRGH! Tell me this isn’t the most macabre “realistic-drawing-of-a-cartoon-character” you’ve seen to date. I can handle interpretations of South Park characters, or even the Simpsons, but this? No, no. Definitely not. Thank you, Tim O’Brien, creator of the creepy, but you’ve ruined Charlie Brown for me forever.

[Source: Geekologie]

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Screw You, Quintessential Evil Kickball Team

I wrote this post a few days ago, but for some reason I left it as a draft on my blog account and never published it:

Ladies and gentleman, the kickball season that will be talked about for ages, the ever-resilient team, “Sit on My Base,” is on its way to making a comeback.

After a 10-2 loss against Please Not on My Face during week one, a 5-11 win over Wii Not Fit, and the nail-biting 6-4 loss against Shiners Saloon Sh!t Talkers, Sit on My Base is pumped and ready to go against Fat Jesus Wolfpack this Thursday at 8:10 p.m. at Richard Moya Park. It is in my esteemed opinion that my team, “Sit on My Base, will triumph over Fat Jesus Wolfpack, which holds a three-game winning streak, because we have heart. That, and the opposing team’s name rings blasphemous. So, I think it’s safe to say that the Big Man upstairs is on our side.*

Come support your favorite Austin Sports and Social League kickball team… Sit on My Base!

Sit on My Base

Err, last night, Sit on My Base lost to Fat Jesus Wolfpack 14-2. Ouch…

But let explain something here. This opposing team was quintessential evil team: everyone sporting black team shirts, faces with expressions that ranged from sober to angry, and not an alcoholic beverage in sight (this is a drinking league, after all). Fat Jesus Wolfpack has beat every team it’s come up against by at least ten runs. TEN RUNS. Freakin’ beasts.

Meanwhile, Sit on My Base team members were drinking (my dear amiga mejor showed up tanked, in fact), spittin’ rhymes, dancing to music, and looking very jubilant in our lemon yellow team shirts. As another friend and teammate of mine said, we were like the Mighty Ducks; all we were missing was Emilio Estevez.

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Quote of the Day | III

“Gin Gin Tare Maine Ungli Jalayi Hai/Aaja Aaja Jind Shamiyane Ke Tale/Aaja Jariwale Nile Aasman Ke Tale”
“I burnt my fingers trying to touch the stars/ Come on my life, join me under the big roof/Come join me under the glittering blue sky

–From the song “Jai Ho” by A. R. Rahman for the film, “Slumdog Millionaire

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