Jessica Simpson Defies All Logic

Because watching her slow quick descent into a burning inferno of used-to-be-stardom isn’t painful enough, Jessica Simpson decided that the best idea to rebound after those rabid weight-gain photographs would be by making Daisy Duke cut-offs a regular part of her performance wardrobe.

Gads! Have I been entirely unaware for all this time that resembling a two-hooved country beast can resurrect careers?! Maybe showing those massive, old gams of hers will make people forget that she’s old and chubby now, and they will finally listen to her music.

That’s acutally probably a bad idea as well.

By the way, I’d like to note that Jessica Simpson’s ankles have defied all laws of physics in this photograph by somehow supporting that much hair weave, weight, and glittered makeup while only having the support of a pair of flimsy hooker heels. What have you to say to that, Steven Hawking?

(Photograph: The Superficial)

Jessica “Jelly Belly” Simpson

Jessica Simpson performed in Florida at the 99.9 Kiss Country 24th Annual Chili Cook Off this past weekend. Err, Jessica is looking quite corpulent in these photos (found via The Superficial).  Did she eat Tony Romo?

The bulging beauty has been getting a lot of slack the past few years, from her divorce from 98 Degrees pop sensation Nick Lachey (ha ha, I laughed at that too), to her bitter break up with John Mayer, to being nicknamed “Yoko Romo,” to having a miserable country music crossover career, to her sister being the first to have the opportunity to name her child something that will surely scar it. Yes, poor swollen Simpson has hit a rough patch.

I pray to the gods of popular culture that those repugnant high-wasted pants and tuck-in tank top are the reasons for surfeit of skin in these photos.