Want a Pair of Animal Legs?

If this isn’t the most disturbing thing I’ve seen all day, I don’t know what is.  No, no…  I’m not talking about the pair of enormous centaur legs that woman is sporting.  I’m speaking of that mind-boggling skirt she’s wearing near the end of the video.  Iridescent brown?  I rest my case.  Dis-turb-ing.

Samurai Bar Fight: The Manliest Fight Ever

In what may be the manliest action performed to date, Dublin-based Peter Rogers punched his assaulter, Charles Russell, with his bloody stump of an arm after Russell severed Rogers’ arm with a samurai sword in a bar fight.

Russel, who hails from Dublin, Ireland, has been in custody, awaiting sentencing after pleading guilty to intentionally and recklessly causing Rogers serious harm at the Deputy Mayor Pub in Meekstown on January 13 of last year.

Detective Garda Tony Gleeson told Dublin Circuit Criminal Court that Russell severed Mr. Roger’s hand at the wrist with his first swing of the sword and his hand fell to the ground.

He said that the victim did not notice that he had lost his hand, which, he said, must have been due to shock.

Mr. Rogers continued to struggle with Russell and at one stage punched the accused in the face with the stump of his arm.

Detective Gleeson said that Mr. Rogers will never have full use of his left hand again.

There you have it, folks. Punching someone with the bloody stump you have left after being assaulted by a samurai sword is–by far–the most undaunted, virile thing any one man can do. God bless Ireland.

(Source: Independent.ie)

An Open Letter to You “Free Spirited” Men

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.” -Scott Adams

Well put, Scott.

For almost a year now I’ve been in the single’s realm, an odd place to be if you haven’t exactly been on that horse for awhile.  Besides feeling like a 54-year-old divorcee trying to find a fitting suitor, I am also having to grapple with the fact that I am a certain “type” of gal (I put that in quotes because I hate admitting that I fall into a categorical “type”).  Among some of the “scarier” aspects of my “type” is my attraction to commitment–can you hear the guys reading this running?

When girls like me say they want a guy to be committed, for some reason, when this is processed in the male brain, it sounds something like, “I would like to own your soul and take away your freedom.”  Oddly enough–surprise–this isn’t at all what I want.  In fact, it’s really a turn off to me when a guy doesn’t have his set of buddies that he has a night out with or some sort of extracurricular hobby or something-or-another to keep him busy.  Yes, guys, independence is attractive.

On the other side of the coin, I, too, want independence.  If I had to forfeit my time with my friends or time left for myself, I’d be really, really unhappy.  The best part of a relationship is being able to share your life with someone else, not become the life of something else.

So, when girls like me want to know boundaries–“Are we or aren’t we in some sort of relationship? Are we casually dating?”–we’re just seeing where the lines are so that we don’t cross them.  Girls like me aren’t setting a trap for you “free spirits” (as I heard it called today), we’re just trying to get our barrings because–surprise again–we like you.  We want to get to know you.  We want you to get to know us.

If not for dating, how else would we know what we ultimately want?  Guys, if you treat dating like a taboo, girls will lose interest quickly.  Don’t be so presumptuous as to think we want to take over your life.  Personally, I want a guy to kick it with, have fun with, get to know, and just enjoy being young with.

Guys, we girls are just as clueless as you.  You have to tell us what you want, and we’ll do the same.  It is what it is.

“Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever.”

The Coffee Chronicles | Day 32

I gave up coffee for Lent. Those who know me understand the tremendous undertaking that I have gotten myself into. I will be tracking my progress throughout Lent. Let this be a lesson to all…

Positive steps have been taken in my decaffeinated recovery.

It’s day 32 of my coffee logs. I have reintroduced coffee into my life, but the coffee is of the decaffeinated variety. Ah, yes, I am drinking that good ol’ decaf coffee. It seems to me that decaffeinated coffee is the ultimate contradiction. Why drink coffee if not for the flux of energy that comes along with it? Decaf coffee is poser coffee. It’s frontin’.

Some have accused me of breaking my Lenten promise. I understand that it seems my sacrificial gift to God has many loopholes. Let me clarify that I gave up caffeinated coffee for Lent, not just coffee. It’s not just the caffeine, it’s not just the taste. Otherwise, existing on soda and decaf coffee would not be such a tribulation. Alas, coffee–the caffeinated kind–has cast its spell on me, and I fell victim.

Easter fast approaches. I wonder what the future holds for me. Will I, once again, be enchanted by the temptation of coffee on Easter morning? Or will the spell be broken? Alas, I cannot tell.

Until my next log, dear diary, keep in mind these pearls of wisdom are my bequest to you.

Puppy yawns, scented candles, and boy bands,
Jen

Bye-Bye, Blender

As more and more magazines are circling the drain, it’s been announced that renowned music rag Blender is folding. April’s issue of blender will be the magazine’s last.

What encouraging news for aspiring copy editors and freelance writers around the world. Hooray for impending unemployment!

What in the Name of Samantha Ronson?!

In case there was any doubt that Lindsay Lohan’s career and life was going down the St. Thomas Creations toilet, here is a commercial my favorite anorexic crack junkie starred* in for Fornarina. No, don’t worry–no one else has heard of Fornarina either.

I tried to just listen to the commercial without actually watching it, but my ears began bleeding. When on mute, my eyes just couldn’t get the vision of a skeleton with Lady Gaga’s hair on it out of my head. It. Is. Truly. Awful.

* “Starring” in a commercial implies that Lindsay Lohan is a bonafide celebrity, but I mean to imply no such thing.

The Toilet Titan

Sure the St. Thomas Creations Toilet with Quattro Flushing technology can flush 2.5 lbs. of baby carrots, 4 whole plastic chess sets, 3 lbs. of large gummi bears, 18 large hot dogs, 78 plastic letter and number refrigerator magnets, 3.5 lbs. of grapes, 20 golf balls, and 3.5 lbs. of dog food, but what about a turd?

From the funny guy at The Superficial.

Jessica Simpson Defies All Logic

Because watching her slow quick descent into a burning inferno of used-to-be-stardom isn’t painful enough, Jessica Simpson decided that the best idea to rebound after those rabid weight-gain photographs would be by making Daisy Duke cut-offs a regular part of her performance wardrobe.

Gads! Have I been entirely unaware for all this time that resembling a two-hooved country beast can resurrect careers?! Maybe showing those massive, old gams of hers will make people forget that she’s old and chubby now, and they will finally listen to her music.

That’s acutally probably a bad idea as well.

By the way, I’d like to note that Jessica Simpson’s ankles have defied all laws of physics in this photograph by somehow supporting that much hair weave, weight, and glittered makeup while only having the support of a pair of flimsy hooker heels. What have you to say to that, Steven Hawking?

(Photograph: The Superficial)

“Secret” Message in Lincoln’s Pocket Watch

The National Museum of American History found that a golden pocket watch owned by Abraham Lincoln bears a message marking the start of the U.S. Civil War–however, the president never knew about this reticent inscription.

The engraving, by watchmaker Jonathan Dillon, is dated April 13, 1861, and reads in part: “Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels” and “thank God we have a government.”

After being contacted by the great-great-grandson of the watchmaker, the museum agreed to open the watch to find out if the message really was there. Lo and behold, there it was.

The American Civil War began when Confederate troops opened fire on Fort Sumter in Charleston, South Carolina, on April 12, 1861.

Forty-five years later, the watchmaker told The New York Times that he was repairing Lincoln’s watch when he heard that the first shots of the Civil War had been fired.

Dillon said he unscrewed the dial of the watch and used a sharp instrument to mark the historic day on the president’s watch. He told the newspaper that, as far as he knew, no one had ever seen the inscription.

“Lincoln never knew of the message he carried in his pocket,” Brent Glass, director of the National Museum of American History said in a statement. “It’s a personal side of history about an ordinary watchman being inspired to record something for posterity.”

(Source: Reuters)

Parenting Attachments

My professor’s husband is a part of an e-show called DadLabs, which is an absolute riot. In this clip, my professor’s father-in-law has a few words of advice for his son–and my professor’s husband–regarding the Empathy Belly, and the overall advisability of gaining insight by strapping things on. “Sometimes there is no substitute for the wisdom of experience.”